Life realisations of an Orc

A while a go, I asked a dude, how he spotted I’m batshit crazy, what’s the thing that makes me different.

He promised to think about it, but never told me the conclusion.

I finally understood.

It’s because I am…


I’ve come to the realisation, that I may be an ork in real life.
I’ve come in contact with a group of human females recently and my mind was blown.
Sometimes, they’re just like they picture them on the internets… stereotypical, nonetheless, impressive.


So I’ve learned the following recently:

– when girls say, they’re going to eat and have 1 drink, it literally means they’re having 1 drink
It’s the opposite of dudes, where if you eat, it means “We plan to consume amounts of alcohol not compatible with life later on”

– Before doing the first “cheers”, you have to wait like 30minutes, till everyone gets their instagram ready, for the story… then there’s one girl, that has some kind of problem and you have to wait another 5 minutes.
You sit there sadly, trying to not sip at your drink too much, because it would look bad on their story, if your glass is like 3/4 empty.

– Girls can’t drink shooters. I’m conflicted about that one… I mean… If the shooter is THAT DISGUSTING, why do you care that much? You should have experience swallowing untasty things anyways xD

– Because girls never drink shooter, they have no idea of what a “BlowJob” is.
The drink, you perv! It’s a delicious alcoholic drink with wiped cream!
You have to lick it off, then drink the shooter, without using your hands.

– BlowJobs calories count!

– About half of the girls don’t leave tips. The other half gives small ones.
Everyone has a different amount of money and sometimes you’re just poor. But come on, you do have a dollar.
Feld bad, had to compensate the servant. I hope he didn’t held a grudge on us.

– Girly jobs don’t pay well. Most of the girls “count their money”, while out.
Everyone does, poor dudes too, they just don’t show.

– Girly jobs suck. Everyone has to put up with some kind of bullshit. They’re fed up, they don’t have freedom. They follow some dumb rules, that consume peoples souls over time, because it’s the corporate policy.
Everyone interumpts them and no one listens to their ideas.

– I fucking drink like a horse and my manners do match those of an Orc. My jokes are vulgar and my body language – bulky and agressive, without any hint of delicacy.

– It’s true fat girls are shy to eat in public. They order a salad and a tiny amount of fried onion rings. She was shoked I’ve ordered poutine with extra bacon, cuz I’m fat too and in the girl world, you’re not fat because you consume a fucking double of what you need in calories daily, it’s some kind of magic shit like “genetics” or “hormones”, so in restaurants, you want to show everyone, you’re eating healthy and “it’s not your fault”, so you order a salad.

I think she also may have dropped saliva on the desk, but I can’t confirm at 100%, it was dark.

Sometimes it just takes a slimy, cheesy, hot potato to make you happy. Life is so simple, we overcomplicate things our selves.

– You have to eat and drink very slowly. Girls normally sit chatting in a bar for long time, but consume not a lot of food & alcohol… unless you make them 😛

– Fat girls and bitchy girls are nice(may be or may not, both things at the same time, apply patterns accordingly. It may vary). Sometimes, they’re just a little miserable and feel like crying.

– Eating with dudes is way easier, you just stuff your face with food, gulp barrels of beer. Then, someone orders a dessert for you, so you have your 65th foodgasm in the night. Man like to see you satisfied, regardless the field of satisfaction.
WIth girls, it’s easier to follow a diet.

Many will also offer to go to the gym with you the next day, since they’re gentelman of course!
Other type of calorie burning activities are often also available. Man just want to make your life easier.

– Girls look much better in fashion clothes and with makeup, than in sports clothes they put on for exersize.
I must study that art more. Some dress very fancy to go to a bar. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s just a bar.

– While going for drinks with dudes, it’s me who makes everyone wait, cuz tying my boots takes some time.
While going for drinks with girls, u have a shitload of time to practise some stretching and also take selfies in your favorite Gentoo T-Shirt.

– Drunk girls are way friendlier than sober girls.

I will continue to observe those magnificent creatures .
I don’t think they have been studied enough and they clearly are still so misunderstood.

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